No money down...?!?!?!

Okay, so, after a long and arduous journey, my husband and I are homeowners. Yup, you heard it: we own a home. Or, to be factually accurate, Bank of America owns our home and we will be paying them for the next thirty years. Which technically isn't so bad - I mean, that's the system. I'm okay with that. But the closing was hell. I'm not okay with how things went down at closing. In fact, I'm utterly appalled and horrified with how things went down at closing.

Ah, me - the innocent, naive, trusting one! There I was, on a sunny day in June, talking to a friend of mine who happens to be a teacher. The conversation went something like this:

Me: (sigh) "I'll never own a home."

Friend: "Why not?"

Me: " I'm a teacher! There's no way I can save enough for a downpayment."

Friend: "Oh, that's easy! Call Bank of America. They have a Neighborhood Champions loan for teachers. I think it's called Neighborhood Champions. Anyhow, it's a loan where you don't pay anything up front."

Me" Nothing? No down payment? No closing costs?"

Friend: "Nothing. Call [this person]. She took care of it for us."

Bells! Whistles! Banners and confetti! I called Bank of America. Conversation:

Me: "Hi, we'd like to buy our house, and a friend of mine told me YOU were the person to call."

BOA rep: "Oh! Okay! Well, let's see what we can do for you. Were you thinking of a fixed rate mortgage, or-"

Me: "Actually, we were told you have a teacher next door program? The one with no money down at closing?"

BOA Rep.: "We most certainly do. You're a teacher?"

Me: "Yes."

BOA Rep: "I can certainly handle that for you. And you want the Neighborhood champions loan?"

Me:" YES! That's the one. Where there's no money down, no closing costs, nothing like that?"

BOA Rep: "Yes, we can finance the closing costs into the loan itself with this mortgage, so you shouldn't have to pay anything out of pocket."

Me: " Yes. Sign us up."

Let's jump forward to closing, shall we? The place: My attorney's office. The time: 4:30 p.m. closing date. The players: Me, DH, attorney and attorney assistant.

Attorney assistant: "There seems to be a conflict between what you told us and what they have here in terms of closing costs."

Me: "Huh?"

Attorney's assistant: "Yes, they have you down for $3,271.11 in closing costs."

Me: " But that's impossible. They told us that there wouldn't be any closing costs! That was the whole point of going to Bank of America!"

Attorney's assistant: "Well, they have it listed here. Let me see if I can get her on the line."

Of course we did NOT get her on the line.

And it was closing date.

And we have already pushed back the sale twice.

And we are on a rent-to-own, time-sensitive plan right now.

And - did I mention - we have exactly 3,600.00 in the bank?!

OHMIGOD. Quel nightmare!

Assistant: "What do you want to do?"

DH: "Can we have a minute?"

Assistant: "Yes, certainly, take as long as you need. But just so you know, this should not have happened. If they told you no money down and no closing costs, then that's what it should have been. Someone should have alerted you before this. You're not the first people I've seen this happen to." (closes door) (thanks for those comforting words. I feel better for knowing other people get shafted regularly just like us.)

DH: "Well, what do you want to do?"

Me: nervous breakdown type syllables and sounds. "What, do they just think we magically have the money? I mean what would they do if we didn't have the money? They wouldn't get paid! Nobody gets paid until we close! Do they just think everyone is running around with four thousand extra bucks in their pockets? She said no money down at closing!"

DH: "Okay, focus. The point is, we DO have the money. So what do you want to do?"

Well, needless to say, there it was: Rock-Us-Hard Place.

No money down mon oeil, as the French say. Caveat emptor. Teachers get shafted. Call your local congressman. All that jazz.

We now have a mortgage and about $300.00 in the bank until next month, and it's August 10. I'm thinking of donating blood plasma and bone marrow to cover the difference.